I sat to write a new blog post last week Sunday when I received a call from someone that vexed me right to the core of my soul. Until that time, I was not aware of how much a peaceful mind is directly proportional to productivity. All the words I had floating in my subconscious flew right out the window. I was super annoyed. I thought waiting it out a few hours will help but I was still mad. I sent a message to my unpaid editor (I only pay him in ‘thanks a lot’, imagine the nerve of me) to tell him the situation. He says very reasonably, ‘why don’t you write about what is making you so mad?”. I said I can’t write about it (on the blog) and again very reasonably he said,”you don’t have to post it”.
Ughhh! first of all, I do not like when people are being reasonable with me when I am vexed. Talmabout calm down and think this through. Do you think my brain did not suggest this to me ??? It did and if I took its advice, I will not be telling you I am vexed to start with. Anyway, common sense eventually prevailed and I decided why not, it sounded cathartic so I decided to do it.
It is a very straight forward situation that got my knickers in a twist. Someone hurt me a while ago, we drifted apart and now people around me think they can make me build a relationship with the person by subtlety or brute force. Their basis for wanting this is that ‘life is short and me or the person may die without resolving our differences’.
Then there was the Christianity bit where I am mandated to forgive or have my prayers go unanswered. Let me state here that I have forgiven the person years ago but I just do not necessarily care about their existence either ways.
I do not know how people think forgiveness works, but I know personally, I do not owe anyone the gift of forgiveness. I only owe myself the peace that comes with forgiving someone who hurt me.You do not demand to be forgiven. You may ask for it but if we all got all what we asked for, I will be on a yacht in the Caribbeans and not typing on a HP laptop. People do terrible things to you and if and when they finally feel terrible about it and are unable to live with their own guilt, they then DEMAND to be forgiven to make THEIR own conscience a bit easier to live with .That is the height of being selfish and we also need to see through that ruse as well.
People do terrible things to you and if and when they finally feel terrible about it and are unable to live with their own guilt, they then DEMAND to be forgiven to make THEIR own conscience a bit easier to live with.
As a mediator in any feud, forcing the hand of one party to forgive under the guise of religion is not the way to go. The Bible says forgive but it did not say forget, forget so you can end up being in the place of being hurt again. I will forgive you AFTER I have worked my way through the feelings of anger and hurt then decided you are not worth living rent-free in my head. It will not be a moment faster than that because I have nothing to prove to you about being a bigger person. It is also physically impossible for me to be when I stand at 5ft, so do not pressure me into forgiving when I am not ready.
Like I said earlier, in this case I had actually forgiven the person but being around the person makes me super angry and I have decided to protect my peace by being far away but sadly no one seem to get that. They think the only reason I can’t be around the person is because I have not truly forgiven.
This has caused me to wonder over the past few days what forgiveness truly is. Does forgiving mean I do not get angered when I remember the issue? Does forgiving mean I will be perfectly okay with the person in my personal space after the hurt even when I don’t want it? Does forgiveness mean all is right with the world? Should forgiveness have a timeline? Does forgiveness mean I never talk about the incident anymore?
I am curious; how do you know you have forgiven someone? If you have, do things change between you when you do?
I ask the above because the Yoruba people of western Africa in Nigeria have a saying that loosely translates to mean that a scar will never look like skin anymore. It means some things can never go back to being the same no matter what is done to remedy the situation.
PS: Please note that the kind of hurt I am talking about are not the everyday skirmish in friendship or even relationships. It comes from a place of deep pain only few people understand or are able to relate to. However, people get hurt by different things whether deep or not.
This Post Has 8 Comments
There is ‘forgiveness’ and there is ‘healing’ (from the hurt inflicted). If you have forgiven someone yet unable to stand their presence, you (may) still have some healing to do.
Okay , I understand healing but i have forgiven them, right?
Or if i have not healed,can we say I am yet to forgive then?
Eleyi…o deep gan.
I don’t know a way to go about explaining this without being religious because in your write-up (a.k.a mini rant) you already covered the logic aspect.
I would however not come with the whole….”forgive to have your prayers answered story”
Maybe just a reason why…..a readon for you…..a reason for the christ like you
Oh and not here too…….?
I do not fully understand your message .
Please state it again and you are also free to use the religion angle if it works better for you.
I understand where your hurt is coming from. I had someone hurt me multiple times because I was “or I thought I was” in Love with them. This was in Uni. What I eventually did was that, I forgave them, but the relationship was never thesame between us. I would not let them have that kind of access to my emotions and then ruin it. At that time, I could do practically anything for this female only for you to always hurt me. And I would forgive you still. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do. Forgiveness is such a multifaceted issue but you are right. You and only you have the right to determine how you forgive. If you want to forgive and distance yourself from them, then that’s fine. Especially when someone hurts you really bad. I don’t want you having access to my emotions that way anymore.
Thanks Niyi . You get it .
Forgiveness does not mean have access to my emotions that way any more.
And i know you have gotten over your initial hurt because you are in a really good place right now but i can imagine the conscious effort it took to heal from that to be with another person.
People hurt other people and do not care how scarred it leaves them and yet they demand forgiveness.
Forgiveness to me is when you settle in a place of peace and when you do not squirm when you remember what happened. You do not and you should not put yourself In the same place where the same act can be repeated.
I definitely agree with not putting yourself in a place for it to happen again.