The one about Sanwo-Olu’s Lagos

Lagos.

Sigh.

The whole OkadaBan brouhaha this week inspired this blogpost. I saw people trekking on Monday morning to God knows where and it was so heartbreaking to see. I wanted to help but I was scared someone will “jack” me as soon as I take off and hijack my car. I will then be forced to go get ready to sew cloth on Twitter thread with caption – “Had Hai Know”

Anyhow, the event reminded me of all the pepper I have seen on Lagos streets since I started living here.

I grew up in Ibadan (some of you will say this is why my mouth is sharp but whatevurrr) and schooled in Ile-Ife. I have largely had a quiet serene and all-round healthy life prior to when Lagos happened to me. My sister got married and the first time I visited her, we drove in traffic for like 2 hours, I got back home physically ill. I had to lay down for hours to recalibrate my entire system. Anddd that’s when I knew that Lagos is not my calling, I was not equipped to deal with such harsh conditions. I was born to be a baby girl or so I hoped it will be.

TOURNAMENT ONE

Fast forward to right after university, I got my first job opportunity right out of school. Here is the gist, my interview was scheduled to be at Marina. I had asked around how best to get there and I was told CMS bus stop is very close to where I was going. I dressed to impress obviously and I “nacked koshu”, boarded BRT and I alighted at CMS. Only it was the CMS on the other side of Marina. The bus conductor told me to cross the pedestrian bridge to get to the other side of CMS and just stroll down to Marina, he said it was like a 3 minutes trekking distance.  Let me pause here and shout , IF A BUS CONDUCTOR TELLS YOU IT IS NOT FAR AND YOU BELIEVE, YOU ARE SURELY GONNA CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should have used less exclamation marks but that is how pained I still am. My brothers and sisters, I trekked. Remember I wore heels and the TM “shat” I borrowed from my sister. I was looking at this UBA House and kept walking towards it but it looked like the building was moving further away from me. By the time I got halfway, I was drenched in sweat and when I thought it could not get worse, my shoe spoilt. By the time I got it fixed and got to my interview venue, my brain was already blank. Thankfully, I wrote the test, passed and got the job. LAGOS 0 – FEMI 1

TOURNAMENT TWO

As a hustling working professional, they knew me at BRT bus stops in Ajah and Marina. One day, someone ran to me with a love letter inside the BRT. It turned out the BRT ticket seller fancied himself in love with me so he wrote me a letter to express his emotions. I am not going to pretend I was impressed and that I did not look down on him. Not one of my finest moments but I was so livid. I kept wondering why God will think it is a BRT ticket seller that should be tripping for me. I told one of my annoying friends at work then, he made fun of me for a week at least. If you are reading this Sule, I am yet to forgive you for trolling me for 1 week. Lest I forget, this guy did not say I should board BRT for free because he was tripping o, Uncle still collected his complete fare so menascum please. LAGOS 1 – FEMI 0

TOURNAMENT THREE

This fateful day, I was inside BRT as usual and a man had been shouting that he was alighting at 1004 Bus stop. BRT drivers being the punks they are, the driver did not wait for him till we got to Law School. The passenger did not even complain, and I was wondering he must be a calm guy, took this whole mess in his stride. That was my last rational thought though because the next thing I know, the passenger walked to the front as if to exit but in the blink of an eye, he turned off the BRT engine, removed the keys from the ignition, got down and crossed the road then hopped on an okada* and disappeared inside VI. It took everyone like almost a minute to realize and assimilate what just happened. Once it registered though, the guys closest to the entrance ran after him and started shouting for people on the road to stop him but he had boarded a bike by then. Then came the awkward silence where we all did not know what to do next. Do we come down and board another bus or do we wait and hope for the best? Some people left while some waited. I waited because I like gist and needed to see how it all went down. After about 10 minutes, the emissaries returned from war with the key .I don’t know how they did it but they did. Victory was won that day. LAGOS 0 – FEMI 1

There are more of these stories so there will be a part 2. Plus, it is 1:21 am and I am barely struggling to stay awake.

Please share your funniest “Lagos happened to me” episodes in the comment section below.

Till next time, peace (because you need it in this jungle), love (because Valentine’s day is around the corner) and Amala (because how could you not?!)

*Lekki Ikoyi link bridge picture credit goes to Jedah Photography, connect with him on Instagram here

*okada is a motorbike used as a means of public transportation in Lagos, Nigeria.