The one about life and its curveballs.

I woke up on Saturday around noon expecting to have a normal day of bingeing on K-drama, sadly it was not to be so because the first thing I saw was the news of Chadwick Boseman’s passing. My first reaction was denial, I figured if I did not think about it then I would not have to mourn yet another person I did not know personally. You see, my first time of experiencing what I have termed this “third party grief” was when Mrs. Ibidunni Ighodalo died. I had never seen her before or even followed her closely on social media.

She was just someone I liked a lot and respected from afar. It was shocking to me how much her death shook me to my core. I cried so many times over the course of the 2 weeks after her death, my sleep was disturbed, and I thought about her a great deal. It felt horribly personal to me, I still do not know why. There are times when I thought I was finally over it, then I will see another video or picture of her and go back into that dark place of sadness. When I realized how miserable this whole thing made me and then think about the people that were her actual family and friends, the level of heartbreak so painful it will physically hurt, the endless days of reminiscing about the times they spent together, it left me so scared that I began to intensify my prayers for her loved ones.

So, I finally got over that and then came Chadwick’s passing. Sigh. Black Panther was hands down a worldwide movement that year. I remember wigs being snatched at the Lekki IMAX cinema for weeks on end because the movie was always sold out and everyone wanted to get in. I remember the joy it was to black people to be so vividly represented on such a scale in the fantasy genre, the bants, the memes, the songs, the togetherness of it all. Just like that this great man that made all of us so happy is no more. It hurts but the stories you hear of Chadwick made me believe he lived his best life. I am finally able to say Rest in Peace Chadwick Boseman. Marvel Studios said and I quote, “You will forever be our king”.

As is wont with most deaths that shake the world, we all begin to think about how we are living our life and that inevitable word that always sets me on edge comes up again- PURPOSE. Everyone goes on about how we should live a purposeful life and find the reason we have been called etc. The truth is that I do not know. I don’t know for a fact if I have one dramatic, larger than life reason for my existence. It is not clear to me if I will be a popular person that will transform the world and bring it to a halt. That word puts me under undue pressure, I begin to hyperventilate and wonder if I am fulfilling my destiny. Even in churches, there is so much hype about destiny, purpose, calling etc. Fammmm, the stress is very real. The urge to then compare your life and contrast with other people’s own can be very exhausting.

Anyway, I have decided as of today that I cannot kill myself. We will all not be Chadwick Boseman or Ibidunni on the level of fame and talent. No longer will I be searching for that elusive and big purpose for which I may or may not have been called. I will begin to consciously rid myself of the weight of living the life I think I should be living. If I am being honest with myself, my existence may not make a large dent in THE world.

What I will instead begin to pursue as a mini “purpose” is to be a good daughter, sister, friend, business partner, colleague, client etc in MY own world. I said “pursue’ because I cannot always possibly be best at all these things I have listed at every point in time. Being able to help the ones I call my own is another blessing I seek, pretty much blossoming in the tiny place that I have been planted in this tiny dot on the globe. If a bigger and larger purpose drops into my laps in the course of this, I will definitely grab it with both hands. However, this peace and rest is coming from knowing, even if it does not, I will still live a good life regardless.

The bottom line to me now is that I want the lives of my loved ones to be just a bit more colorful because I am in it. When the time is right and my Daddy calls me home, I want people to be able to remember me and say “Awww because of Femi, my life was very colorful”. So the whole world does not remember me but those ones that hold me in their hearts will always know I was once there, and it was colorful because of me.

What are your mini, little intentional acts of “purpose”?

PS: I a writing this to remind myself constantly how I intend to live.We are human beings and we forget so easily once the shock of a death wears off and then we go back to the rat race. I hope this reminds you as well.

Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash