The one about the road to love

I knew I wanted to write about love to commemorate Valentine’s Day but I had no idea what to write. The subject of romantic love is so extensive that one could write for hours and not exhaust half of it. To help me streamline my thoughts, I put out a post on my Instagram stories to ask my friends to select from a list of topics I had on my radar. Interestingly, everyone had different ideas on what they wanted me to write about, there was no majority vote on any of the topics. I have thus decided to see if I can touch a bit on every of them and maybe have a part 2 if this post becomes too long.

I have not been romantically involved with anyone in a while, so I had to go down memory lane to mentally prepare myself for the post. In the process, I came across old emails exchanged with someone I used to date. I did not believe those mails came from me because they were so open and expressive (now, I am a hard babe). I spent about an hour reminding myself of who I used to be. A niggling thought then came to me that this person was probably my soul mate. I don’t even know where the word came from, but I know I need to reduce the rom-coms I watch. I gave the thought some time to marinate in my mind till the next morning, but I eventually decided that there is no such thing as a single soulmate for a person. I understand meeting someone that feels like they are an extension of you, and you feel like no one else will ever come close. You may be right and never meet someone like them, which makes sense scientifically but there is a whole world out there with millions of people with personalities you are yet to meet. It may turn out good or bad, but so could it have been with the person you thought was your one true love.

If anyone was anyone’s true love, then my vote will go to Damon and Elena of The Vampire Diaries and more recently, Mick and Jared of Manifest. And even Mick fell in love with someone else eventually so please free yourself from the shackles of thinking only one person in this world holds the key to your true happiness.

The road to love is very interesting. As is with most things in life, some people have it bumpy while some enjoy a smooth ride. To discuss love as a single person will not be complete without mentioning dating. Dating in the era of social media is very stressful. Everyone have their guards up and every conversation you have in private is potential gossip fodder for people on Twitter. Once the tweet starts with, ’it’s a thread’, you know it is about to go down. I am now very skeptical about meeting people because I don’t know if they fight in the comment sections of celebrities on social media or seek advice for their relationship from faceless humans on Rihanna’s internet via instablog. Dating is an extreme sport, especially in Lagos. The scene is so murky, and I will rather not engage. I have told my friends that my husband is not in Lagos (one of us has to be away from madness abeg) and I hope to God that I am right.

With dating comes the very annoying ‘talking stage’ which is the most tedious of all the stages. I hate it with every fibre of my being. It is mostly dull, slow, irritating and the questions ugh. It is often not even the fault of the participants; it is just that getting to know people with the intention to date has become so routine that there is a long list of questions that have become irritating to answer. ‘So, what is your philosophy of life?’, ‘Where do you see yourself in 5 years?’, ‘What are your likes and dislikes?’, ‘Who is your ideal man?’. No one (certainly,not me) wants to answer these in 5 different formats from 7 people in a year. Iknow there is probably no other way to get to know people, but I am beginning to dig the idea of having a dating questionnaire, I mail you the survey and we both answer multiple choice questions and keep it moving. Fingers remain crossed that Artificial Intelligence will rescue us from this very ridiculous phase very soon.

The entire journey that leads to the love destination has lots of twists and turns. There is a cross road where you like people that don’t like you in return. Unrequited love can drive people to misery. Imagine the pain of being deeply in love and the other party calls you ‘sis’ or ‘bro’ and they mean it too. I should not be laughing but LMAO, that absolutely sucks. This can further become a T-junction where the person you like but does not like you in return, also likes someone else who does not rate them at all. This is what we call a conundrum.

On the road to love, there is also a bus stop where you love the wrong person. The person is wrong for you in every possible way, but love has you both in a choke hold. It is usually the people that are wrong for you that love you the hardest and letting go can be heart wrenching.

Ah, I forgot secretly being in love with a friend but not having the courage to say it. We see it in movies a lot, only in the movies it always ends well. In real life, that friend usually does not like you the same way and there is nothing that can be done about it. You will continue to show up for the person while dying a little inside every time.

The road to love has a boulevard where you meet the right person but at the wrong time. They may already be committed to be with someone else or be unavailable because they are still hurting or healing from past pains. You have to let them go, sometimes the universe is kind to bring people back together but again that mostly happens in movies.

There is a particular hotel on the road to love where you thought you had reached the promised land. All is well and going well and you think you won the price only for you to hear weird frightening noises outside the hotel at night that will turn to be your worst nightmare. This stop is where people tarry the most because we like to believe the monster isn’t as scary as it looks from the window. Some people end up being swallowed by the monster while others barely escape with their lives and carry the battle scars for life. There are people who have dealt with this and still don’t hesitate to start the journey to love with another person, I truly applaud their courage.

Lastly but certainly not the least is this very dark alley where people make bad decisions. It is a dark and lonely road where nothing is happening in your love life and in some cases, people begin to doubt their worth. This alley gives birth to lot of relationships that never should have existed at all but the desperation to be with someone wins and it eventually ends in tears. This alley doesn’t have to be dark though, it can be a rest stop, you know like staying overnight in an inn on a long journey. It can be a period to sit with one’s self and discover one’s worth again. It is an opportunity to know that you aren’t defined by who you are or aren’t in a relationship with. It’s a period to determine boundaries and reject every car that may stop to give you a lift but isn’t headed your way. It is a time to love yourself the way you will like to be loved. It is a time to look in the mirror and love what you see, not in a narcissistic way but in a wholesome ‘I am all I have and I love me’ way.

The road to love can be like Lagos- Ibadan expressway. It has been under construction for 25 years at the minimum but when you do go through and you arrive in Ibadan, the home of well-made amala, it is a slice of heaven. Love is sweet, giddy, heady, exciting and all everything else in between. The joy of waking up knowing that someone’s in your corner is unmatched. Love that is safe; you are confident in the knowledge that you are at the centre of the person’s universe, love that is true; no deceit and 100% disclosure; love that heals; of scars and past trauma; love that is wholesome; responsible and ensuring you don’t flake on the road to development and growth; love that is patient, while you get used to it; love that is beautiful; soft and comfortable like mama’s hug, love that is just love.

Remember that no one is more deserving of genuine love than you, no matter what stop you are on the journey. Love comes in your size, don’t fold.

What bus stop are you currently on the road to love and did I miss out any ? Please share in the comments. Happy Valentines Day!

Photo by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash