The one about online parenting

There are many hard and difficult things in life as well as simple and easy to do things. However, nothing is as easy as online parenting. You know, the one where we give opinions on how we think people should parent their children from behind the comfort of our keypads. There was a video circulating social media about few days ago of one parent that beat his child because he instructed the child not to join a certain whatsapp group, but she disobeyed the father and joined regardless.

My post is not about the incident, but it has triggered me to write about parenting from the perspective of someone who is a child and has also lived with new parents for about 10 years. I have lived with my sister for about 10 years cumulatively. My nephew will be 12 soon which means I have watched him grow and taken care of him for about 11 years. Parenting is hard and difficult. If you think marriage is not easy, try adding children in the mix and you will know water pass garri.

These videos circulate online and as usual we all give our opinions on how the parents have wronged the child either by spanking or using harsh words. The major concern I have and that has spurred me to write this post is this idea people in my generation have that we will make way better parents that ours did. I am here to announce to you that we may just be deceiving ourselves.

There are no bad parents. There are bad people who became parents. Bad people do not have a fairy wave a hand over them once they have children and suddenly become good. Using a good example of our colleagues in the office, we have some of them that cannot communicate properly, some speak down on their subordinates, some threaten subordinates with delay in promotion simply for not doing things the way they have strictly instructed. How do we then think that this very fundamental behavior will change when we have children?

Your less than desirable conflict resolution skills will affect your relationship with your children, your “I KNOW IT ALL” attitude at work might mean you never allow your children voice contrary opinions to yours, your high handedness when it comes to handling people working under you might somehow creep in and you begin to treat your children as such. These actions may not be deliberate towards the children but behavioral patterns do not change overnight. I hope you can now see that bad parents are not made but bad people morphe into terrible parents.

Some of us are unable to fully manage a project without hurting the people working for and with us using actions and words that are inappropriate. Yet, we somehow think we will be well and able to take care of a human being whose sole existence and nourishment depends on us for upwards of 16 years. It is okay to be woke but in your wokeness, be realistic. There are no hard and fast rules to being a parent. There are no counselling classes that parents attend prior to having children. You have these kids and wing it everyday and hope the universe blesses your effort.

People will raise their kids the way that works for them. When you see a parent spanking a child or using whatever disciplinary methods that seem to produce results for a child, do not let that be the hill you choose to die on talking about “that is bad parenting”. When you have your own kids, raise them however you deem fit. If you don’t want to spank your kids, no one should judge you for it.  It is ironic how most of the people that go up in arms when these kinds of issues come up are the ones that nearly killed their parents while growing up. Your parents did not stand by you through truancy and all sorts of vices you picked up while growing up only for you to come online and chase clout at the mercy of common sense.

We have around us toxic friends who make bad life choices consistently and yet they think they are in a position to talk about how some people are raising their children when they may also raise their offspring worse in the future. Parents are human beings. They get overwhelmed, angry, tired, broke, ill. They overreact, get frustrated , want to give up and run away but they do not. They stay and against all odds make it work for the children while trying to maintain their sanity as well.

I know our parents’ generation made some avoidable errors in raising us but most of them did the best they could with what they had. Newsflash is some of us may still repeat these mistakes and it may not be intentional. I daresay, parenting and life generally is a lot easier now because now you can outsource anything, even the raising of the child, LMAO. This means people can actually take a breath every once in a while, and not give stress induced responses to situations concerning their children. There are easily accessible resources (not foolproof) that you can use to aid you on the parenting journey. Parenting is dynamic for the same reason fraternal twins could behave like they were not raised in the same house. It is also the complexity of humans that gave rise to people having different love languages and managers having to deploy several managerial skills dependent on the staff they are interacting with.

So here is the point of my post, try to refrain from telling people the methods to use in raising their children. Do not also think that the mere fact that you were raised in this generation will make you a better parent than our parents were. As a Christian, all I can tell you is to do your best and God will help you. Children will do whatever they choose to do regardless of how strict or liberal parents are. Heck, it is even worse in these present times where your children can be right under your nose and be internet fraudsters or addicted to porn or whatever else without physically leaving the house. Don’t judge parents winging it, don’t give unsolicited advice, pray for them instead and where possible, direct them to professional counsellors or therapists for help.

Resist the urge to shalaye.

PS: Dear parents, while sacrificing your all for your children, try as much as possible to pursue your dreams as well to avoid stories that touch. Many years down the line, some of them will turn around and say they did not ask you to sacrifice your happiness for them and they will be right. Don’t stay in a toxic marriage “for the kids”. I earnestly wish you well and hope your labour of love is not in vain.

Thanks, and God bless.

*Resist the urge to shalaye. – A Nigerian local parlance that means : Resist the urge to explain where an explanation is avoidable and especially not required of you.