May This be The First Of Many!

LOL!

I am starting with ‘lol’ because no one will read whatever you have to say on the websphere unless the statement starts with LOL. People will go “Loool… Femi actually believes she can write, make we just dey look am dey go”.

Or ‘see’.

That’s also another way to catch people’s attention on Twitter. Just start your statement with “see ehn , Nigeria is in Jamaica’s pocket as we speak blab la yada yada” and people will legit read it and make the appropriate noises.

‘Tbh’ – to be honest.

You need to also sprinkle this in your conversation so peeps know you aren’t even playing with them all.

So get ready to have a healthy doses of ‘lol’, ‘tbh’ and ‘see ehn’ in this short post.

This post is about my mum. When my friend encouraged me to give this writing thing a shot, I was worried, I still am worried because I am like huh! This blog thing is for people that can actually write. What I do best is ranting. Tbh I need to rant less, that thing is draining but also really really makes me feel less like slapping someone.

I did not know what my first piece will be about but I was taking a shower one day, yes I was “baffing” and I had a selah moment. Why don’t you write about your mum? It is because she is that I am.  And I do not mean that in the sense that she birthed me. I mean I am more like her in everything, way more than I thought.

My mum is very veryyyy stubborn and I have been told by my haters on several occasions that I am very hard-headed too. So thank you mummy, look what you made me learn from you.

See ehn, my mum can be very annoying and I am mighty annoying too…see where I am going with that comparison now? My mum is very veryyyy stubborn and I have been told by my haters on several occasions that I am very hard-headed too. So thank you mummy, look what you made me learn from you.

When my mum has her sights on something to do or embark upon, only rapture can stop her from doing it. She will tell you she has heard your advice, the next day this woman will do exactly what you told her not to do.

Let me give you an example, my mum ran a poultry farm when we were kids, till we all grew up and we decided that her doing this wasn’t worth the stress or the profit. Don’t get me wrong, poultry business is profitable but the losses can also be immense. These darned chickens can all decide to have coccidiosis and 500 of them will die in one day, all investment will turn to MMM. Imagine losing close to a million naira or even more within hours. Anyhu, after we told my mom not to do this thing again, she can go out one day and just return with 100 chicks.

 “Mummyyyy what is that chirping noise in the house?”

She will go, “mo gba birds ni”.

“You did what? mummy???? Again??? Mummy dndfhajfagufgaoudaifaeof for gohsake!”

There was a time I knew the name of almost all diseases that chickens and turkeys get sick with. I also knew the dosages of medications to treat them *shudders*

*drop stage curtain*

My mother ehn, she does not like to rest. There was a time when we were young, my sisters and I strongly concluded there is a machine inside her because she is never tired. Imagine having to keep up with her energy as a child; positively exhausting.

We were Adventists, so Saturday was our day of worship, which means it should have been our day of rest too abi, but nooooooo! How do you explain that after church, which was possibly a very long boring sermon, and after which everyone just really wants to sleep, we’ll get home and my mum will shout;

“e lo foo do yen!”

That means go and wash the mortar.

“Lmaoooo! mummy, we want rice ma, nobody wants pounded yam ma”
 *wails in distress*.

 My mum will be like “loool,iyan ni gbogbo wa ma je”.

 I don’t have power to translate that abeg, but it means terrible things. Imagine starting the process of making pounded yam from the scratch at 3pm. It gets ready about 5pm and by then no appetite anymore because we have all slaved away.

PS: My mom’s cooking is the littest!!!! Osha pran pran something 

My mum is very very intentional about everything she does. She is always so focused about things and no Olumo rock can stop her.

See! all those things I listed above are exactly what makes me who I am today. I know I am stubborn and I am working on it, lol. I have dabbled my hands in a number of businesses just like my mum has. My mum has been a serial entrepreneur all her life and there is NO business she can’t start if given the resources, whether she will now continue is another matter entirely.

A list of the businesses my mom has done is thus: catering, poultry farming, transportation (yes, she drove the bus herself), farming, tailoring,cooking, wedding engagement chairman (alaga ijoko and iduro), real estate (she has built two houses for rent) etc.

MY MUM IS AMAZING.

I first dabbled my hands in money making in part 3 of university. I learnt cake-making during the ASUU strike. I went back to school, and between lectures and all ,I got 10 cake orders during Valentine’s  and I made N1o,ooo cool cash.

My next business venture was in my final year when I brought together two of my besties and we did a Valentine’s day package with an exhibition stand in University of Ibadan, with deliveries made within Ibadan and Lagos.

Then the year after that, I did same with just 1 friend and we did deliveries in Ife and Ibadan. We made 20k each and we were over the moon. During the same final year, my sister bought stock of clothes when she travelled and I took them to school to sell, and sell them I did. I finally began to collaborate with my friend on bringing in clothes and shoes from the UK and 6 years down the line, it is established and doing way better than I thought.

I entered all these businesses with minimal fear of failure because I had seen my mum do this over and over again with several businesses and she is still standing. Because of my mum, my risk aversion in business is very low, I am almost always ready to put my money in anything legitimate and smart, because I have already learnt of the worst that can happen from my mum. I got my business acumen from her and she is low-key mighty proud of me.

To a large extent, I consider myself fearless. No way one will grow up around my mother and be timid. I was very timid as a child though, extremely shy and will never speak up. I eventually grew into my own although it took time but my mum was right beside me lending me voice for every time I couldn’t speak for myself or was too shy to do it.

She just told all of us one afternoon that we were going out. It was while on the way she was filling us in on the matter and how we are going to this girl’s house to raise hell.

My brother was and still is very reserved. When he was in secondary school and was being bullied by one witch, my mum did her CIA work and got the home address of the girl. She just told all of us one afternoon that we were going out. It was while on the way she was filling us in on the matter and how we are going to this girl’s house to raise hell. I was like yassss! count me in, we got there raised hell and brought it down in this girl’s house and that was the last time my brother was ever bullied till he left Command. News must have spread that, mummy boy yen o ma wa ok! Lmaoooo.

Oh, I have many more instances where my mother spoke up boldly for us and I have morphed into that being now. I get so angry when my friends/family are being ill-treated and I am always ready to go up in arms to fight with and for them. Well, expect SARS arrested you, that one I can’t do because I am not trying to get shot, dear.

I also remember one time I was going through a terrible breakup because I was told I was not good enough, I was sobbing myself to oblivion when my mum called me, she was like “so it’s that why you are crying??? I want you to know the boy and his family are mad and you are too good for them so better stop crying”. It was brash just like my mum usually is but it was the best pep talk I didn’t even know I needed to hear .That was the last time I cried and felt sorry for myself over a man.

Sometimes, I believe I can survive the rest of my life without necessarily being joined at the hip with anyone. My parent’s marriage was not so great and it totally failed at some point but my mum stepped up. I could cry if I were to list all the things my mum sacrificed for each and every one of us just so we do not feel the void of a one-sided parenting. She was in and by herself a one-man army. Her DIY game is out of this world. She was electrician, bricklayer, mechanic and everything else in between whenever the occasion arose.

I do not like having people around me because while growing up our house was like a mini orphanage. I really can’t recall any point in time when we did not have someone living with us. My mum is extremely tough and brash but has the biggest heart in the world. She was a teacher and did not hesitate to take in any stray child in her school or class indefinitely. I hate sharing my space and I even hate having people around, and my mum is always having a hard time reconciling if I am her true breed, loool. I don’t care though because I don’t like what I hate.

I could go on and on but then that means I will never stop. At this my grown ass age ,my mum still cooks for us all when we return from work and even breakfast before work.

I look at her now, grey-haired and all and it occurs to me she will leave me at some point and this just makes me extremely sad in advance. Have you ever cried over something that is yet to happen? I shed real tears when I think about my mum ever dying.

I look at her now, grey-haired and all and it occurs to me she will leave me at some point and this just makes me extremely sad in advance. Have you ever cried over something that is yet to happen? I shed real tears when I think about my mum ever dying.

I do not know what I will ever do without my mother. She is the most genuine person I know and I am glad she raised me. I am also brash but that is the spice of life, don’t stress me abeg.

All her curves and rough edges, warts and all, my mum is not the best mother in the world but she is perfect for me.

PS: This was meant to be a fun read but it turned out all sappy, which is my cue that this writing thing may not be for me and I definitely should consider quitting while I am still ahead.