The one that has no title

It has been a minute as usual. No one makes grand plans like the person that does not know tomorrow. In this case, this is me, I believed I would always be in the mood to write but hahaha. I have not been writing because I lacked motivation and time to articulate my thoughts into words.

Let me tell you quickly what I have been up to. In June, I realized that I needed to upskill to navigate from my current role at work to another unit. I registered for a training outside of work to aid me in transitioning and classes started towards the end of July. It started well and rosy, I was learning new stuff and felt very hopeful. I was so hopeful I did a whole story thread on my Instagram to tell people how hopeful I was.

Well, how wrong was I? You are about to find out. Don’t get me wrong, the training is amazing, but I had no clue the amount of sacrifice it will require for me to juggle all the balls in my life. I work and run a side business full time. The training initially only took about 10 hours per week but has since gotten more intense, with tons of assignments to boot. I join sessions like 3-4 times a week to collaborate on assignments in a time zone 5 hours behind me. Classes and meetings start about 11pm my time and runs into the mornings on those days. It is not pretty.

I had been trying to keep it together but about 6pm on 13th September, the lid flew off and I lost it. I felt so overwhelmed, and it was not just about how stressed I was. It was nothing in fact, I was okay up until that time and I suddenly started crying for no reason. My chest was tight, I felt an almost physical weight on my chest, it felt like my throat was constricting and I could barely talk. My anxiety and stress had finally gotten the best of me and I had no clue what to do. At the time, I thought I was losing my mind but on writing this out now, I realised it was a panic or anxiety (if that’s medically correct) attack. I messaged my siblings and two friends to pray for me. because I felt so out of control of my mind, I did not want to do anything rash. My sister called me immediately to ask what was wrong and I had no answer, all I could do was cry.

Truly, I could not lay my finger on what was wrong at the time, I just really wanted to lay somewhere and sleep for a long time and quiet my mind anyway possible, it felt like a circus in there. I spoke to a friend that night and he shared with me Bible verses that he meditated on when he had anxiety in the past year. I kept reading those Bible verses and I was singing mostly because I could not pray. I did that in a loop to get myself to sleep that night and I did feel better and almost normal after a couple of days.

However, the journey to making myself mentally heathy again is only just starting. It takes more than prayers and meditation. Today is 14th October, a month later I still had an episode where I just spoke to my friend about dropping out of the training and even resigning because I feel so burned out and tired. I was always tired; I still am tired. I got tired of telling myself and people around me that I am tired. Resting did not help because my tiredness wasn’t physical, it was a mental state that needed more than physical rest. I am nowhere near getting myself to be as healthy as I would like, and I don’t even have any advice for people who may also be in this weird funk. Personally, what has helped me to calm my anxiety are:
1. I had to acknowledge that I cannot do everything. I gave it to God and if it burns, it burns. God himself will know that I tried, and I really cannot do more than this.
2. I speak up more when I am overwhelmed. I talk to people that won’t make me feel like I am just being dramatic. How weird is it that one of my friends that has been there for me the most this period is someone I have only seen just once?
3. I am actively trying to drop some of the balls I juggle. Do not let “aspire to perspire” people deceive you; you cannot achieve everything you set your mind to do. Some things will take your sanity along with it and you end up gaining nothing.
4. Over thinking is one of my toxic traits and I am trying hard not to be that way. I like to work out the 5 million possible outcomes of my actions to mitigate failure. Dr Strange will be so proud of me. Not more though, like I said, if it burns, well, ashes it is. Life continues.
5. Rest is underrated and burnout is a big deal . Quality sleep, reduced screen time, work-life balance and overall physical well being does wonders. I am not saying I am doing this actively but imagine how well rounded I will be if I did. I will be a goddess shinning with the brilliance of the sun.
6. You cannot pour from an empty cup. I was always emotionally available to hear everyone’s issues because I love my friends and friendship in general. I had no idea how much I also needed to be watered. It took me getting to a stage where I could literally not be available to everyone for me to slow down. I logged out of social media and even left some WhatsApp chats because it took everything I had to even respond to a message. I was hollow and had nothing to give, not even to my loved ones. Now, my self-care is not worrying about every other person and only allowing information that is critical to get to me, so I do not over-think.

This was a vulnerable post for me to write, I thought I was too strong to be plowed down by challenges of life. I never thought I will have to actively worry about my mental health. September 13 will be a day I won’t forget in a hurry, but I am glad it happened because it made me know I am only as healthy as my mind. It is a scary thing not to be able to control it as you will.

It is Mental Health Awareness month and I decided to put on my big girl pants and share it with whoever may be struggling to balance it all out, this see-saw of life and adulting. I hope this helps someone to feel less alone. It is okay not to be okay and I hope the person gets all the help they need. Know that no one has it all together and we all need someone to lean on. I hope you find your someone and they don’t make you feel like a burden.
PS: I may still drop out of that training. For context, I typed this at 1.34 am while on a group assignment call.

Featured image credit to Tim Goedhart @nofilter_noglory via Unsplash.